From the time I entered my teenage years until recently, I had always felt pressured to be someone and something I not, especially by other Christians. Many times I know they meant well, but how it came across to me was oppressive and judgmental. I am in no way like either of my Grandmothers, who were wonderful christian ladies. I am not like my brother, who is super involved in everything church related, or who I was as a teenager who was involved in church activities.
Until recently, I felt like a shell of my former self, as well as trying to break free of any one else’s idea of who I should be and how I should be serving God.
It has really been in the last few months when I have really allowed God to guide me, and allow him to define who I am, what I do with my life and how I live it. When I stopped listening to others who didn’t actually listen to me, and didn’t trust me when I told them the direction I was going IS the direction the Lord is leading me in, because it took me away from what was right for them.
I have been told that my past doesn’t define me, which is partially true, but it sure did help shape the person I am today. While I no longer self harm, use alcohol to mask the pain I go through, or battle with eating disorders, those things are still a part of what has made me who I am. The emotional, psychological and physical scars from these things and more are still there, and cannot be erased. These things and more are a part of my story and my journey, and while I am more than just these things, I cannot forget or ignore that I have been though them.
The Lord has been showing me who to listen to and who not to listen to. I know a lot of people mean well, but they just don’t get it, so their advice is more deconstructive than constructive, and it leaves you feeling more alone and vulnerable than before.
Through this time of the Lord guiding me to be who he wants me to be, he has been helping me find my voice and be able to speak up and speak for myself rather than holding in what I am thinking.
I have also been seeking God’s will on where to attend church. Trying to find a good fit for me can be hard. I know the Lord will guide me in that as well. That will come with time and knowing where I am supposed to be living.
The whole reason why I started this blog is to help other young people, who have or are going through hard stuff, and that maybe my blog can encourage someone or help someone. No matter what you have or are going though, you are not alone.